My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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