found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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