Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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