Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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