Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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