He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
