Life is so much better after having sex.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
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The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
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Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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