my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
