Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
