the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
