Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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