I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
