He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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