All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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