We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize