PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
