Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
