sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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