my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
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It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
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I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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