Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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