my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
