there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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