Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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