Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
