I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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