So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
