The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
