just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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