i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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