Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
