I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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