my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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