Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
