now i know why i became what i already was.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
