I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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