someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
