I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I checked into jail on foursquare
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
