Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
