Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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