I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
