So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
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Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
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I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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