The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
