Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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