Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
