Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
