get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
