you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize