i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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