Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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