I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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