his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
