You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
