I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
