Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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