a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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