you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
