I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
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